I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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