I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize