Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
