Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
