I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
