I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We need a shit load of segways right now
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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