my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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