my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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