just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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