Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
