I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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