We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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