it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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