Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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