i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize