I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
