Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
