drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
