i permit you to call me
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
