I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
