his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I cut my penus on the lid.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize