I think my vagina is haunted
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
