if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I think people are normalizing furries
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
