someone get that fucking seahorse.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
