Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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