i always forget guys have bellybuttons
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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