Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
