So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We just shotgunned beers for America
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
