He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Still dying that you shit outside
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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