I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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