that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
