just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
