Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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