There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
