Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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