if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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