I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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