Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
