Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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