Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
