sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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