You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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