I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
