I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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