And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
