u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
