Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
