I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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