I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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