the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
