Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
