well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
