problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
