I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
