When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize