Do you still have your period?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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