Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
