How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
