My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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