Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize