Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize