I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
