Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I could make wine with my vomit
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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