I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
