Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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