In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
