I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
