are you still at the devil's house?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
