You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
