I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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